Dirty Jobs

Warning: This post is not for the faint-of-heart or the weak-of-stomach.

Lilly started it.

I was sitting on the couch, holding her. I think it was Thursday. My days are running together now (that was a pun that you’ll understand in a few minutes). Suddenly, she let out a loud, rumbly, runny toot that instantly spewed out all over me, as if she were wearing no diaper at all.

Now, in case you are not familiar with the kind of poop a breast-fed baby produces, imagine a runny, mustard-colored, warm substance with smaller, cottage-cheese-like particles throughout. This is what had squirted into my lap, and was also - unbelievably – running down my right shin and my left ankle. This kind of poop moves fast, so I had to lay Lilly down in her Boppy, which was next to me on the couch, and run to the bathroom to rinse off so I wouldn’t spread the mess. While I did this, I had to distract Maggie so she wouldn’t try to “help” Lilly, and end up playing in poop.

Next, I had to retrieve Lilly from the yellow pile on the couch, bathe her (again, while distracting Maggie), wash off the (thankfully leather) couch, and throw the Boppy and surrounding casualties (blanket, burpcloth, etc.) in the wash.

All the while, I was laughing at the entire fiasco. AND making a mental note not to use those Huggies diapers again.

(I know Huggies is GREAT for some babies, but my girls have never had success with them.)

Fast-forward to about 11pm Thursday night. Jeff and I had just settled Lilly down in her bassinet, and had nestled into our bed for a much-needed night’s sleep. Jeff mentioned that when he looked in on Maggie, there was a funny smell in her room. We both got up to go check on her, and discovered a HUGE pile of VOMIT in her bed!!

Instantly we went to work. Jeff pulled the garbage can, paper towels, and Clorox wipes into her room, and started cleaning her up, while I changed the sheet and wiped down the bed.

Guys, you can NOT imagine the magnitude of this spew. It started at the top of her headboard and went all the way down (between the mattress and board) to the floor underneath her crib. I couldn’t believe the mess.

Finally, around midnight, we settled back into bed.

3:00 am. I am up nursing Lilly, and I hear Maggie stirring, and then I hear a suspicious “cough”. I wake Jeff up to go check on her. Sure enough, she has vomited again. We repeat the process mentioned above, only this time I have to run back and forth between Maggie’s room (cleaning), and our bedroom (pacifier back in crying-baby’s mouth), squirting hand-sanitizer every time so I don’t transfer germs from Maggie’s crib go Lilly’s binky.

5:30 am. Jeff is up with Maggie, who is fussing. This time, it’s diarrhea, and it’s all over the bedsheet. Again, we repeat the above process.

6:30 am. I’ve been sleeping about 45 minutes, and Jeff wakes me up to get ready – we need to be at the dr.’s office at 8:00 am. And yes, it takes THAT long to get us all out the door in time.

Okay, so now it’s Monday, and we are still dealing with runny diapers. The past 4 days I’ve felt like I can’t get away from the poop! This horrible virus is apparently going around the area, and the diarrhea can last up to 5 days or more!

So, Jeff loves this television show called “Dirty Jobs”, where the host, Mike Rowe visits job sights all over the nation where the job is less-than-desirable. Well, this week, I’d consider being a Mom a very “Dirty Job.” I wonder if we could get Mike Rowe to baby sit for a while.

Hope your week is squeaky clean!